Letting myself off the hook

I was literally laughing out loud- which isn’t a big deal, but I was by myself. Driving in the car. My mind was wondering and I just thought to myself what do people think of me?? Like I wonder what they say. Instantly, a flurry of visions replayed of all the outbursts and matter-of-fact statements I have made to whoever asked. I was like “I’m a bitch.” It was just then I cracked up, it just struck me as funny. Mainly because I am so conscious and loving or at least I try to be.

What I took away from that moment, was that it is more important to be human than to be right. I accept that there are sides to my personality. Knowing that my views and opinions may change as I have another Aha moment in life. I’m embracing it. You are gonna goof up. Maybe that’s what people like about you. Humanistic qualities are far more valuable than trying to attain perfection. The more open you are , the more vulnerable you are, the more empathetic you can be for someone when you take a stroll in their shoes.

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Am I Really That Brave ?

It’s 7:35am , I have managed to get dressed, do my hair and makeup, I’m about to walk out the door & then it erupts. Diaper change. I put my baby down and begin the peril of unfastening and fastening a diaper when I’m christened with a tiny little stream. Omg. From the smile on my baby’s face it’s like he knew that today was just going to be one of those days. There were more of those days even after I graduated high school.

Looking back I don’t know how I did it. I always get asked was it hard. Honestly, I don’t remember thinking of how difficult it was. I just knew that I had to do it, I wanted to do it. The bliss of being a young mom is that there was no time to worry or to overthink things. Life was happening at light speed and I just had to adapt. I had two small lives depending on me before the age of twenty. I was just getting shit done. So am I brave? I don’t know.

I think of brave as consciously standing up for the right thing when no one else really doesn’t. So I don’t know that I fit. For me, I just didn’t even consider any other option. I had my kids, I graduated high school, I put myself through college, I also have a professional license and now I am a small business owner. I say all this to say , I didn’t need to be brave. What got me through was love for someone other than myself. And when that wasn’t enough it was my stubbornness. My flawed thinking actually made me so determined to go after what I wanted. I think a lot of times we see people accomplish great things & think wow, I wish I could be like that. Truth is many times they didn’t realize that they were doing some magical thing. They were just tired of living a certain way & completely obsessed with overcoming a situation. Some of my greatest breakthroughs in life just came from me trying to find another way & being so damn stubborn.

Every now and then a helping hand or a major break is awesome. Like I really could have used a few to push my career or my life along. Simply put, no one showed up. In fact, not only did no one show up but a few people backed up. Lol. Talk about being alone on that one. So if I was going to do something I just had to do it myself . I learned that early in life that I couldn’t wait for anyone to do it with me or to save me. I’d rather have the experience of life than sit by and watch it go past. So I really don’t mind doing things alone.

Some people say you are going the wrong way, when it’s simply a way of your own .

-Angelina Jolie

You can get through any situation without being so brave, if you can become blindly obsessed with what you seek to do. Like having a baby in high school- sounds crazy. What sounded crazier at the time was my guidance counselor telling me “You can’t use the elevator ” as to entice me to transfer to an “easier” alternative school. Wtf, like who says that?! It just felt wrong. I was obsessed with becoming someone my kid could look up to. That’s what worked for me. Constantly, throughout my life I would ask myself what would my kids think. It pulled me back from many situations and to this day it’s why I strive so hard to become better.

Obsession can be a motivator too. I wasn’t fearful when it came to my kids. I was just obsessed. Find a way to become obsessed with what you want to do in life and how you want to do it. It will happen.

Working Through The Pain To Get To Peace

I don’t know how to say this. So I’m just going to say it. Nothing ever prepared me for the difficulties, the pain and the after.  I wish there was someone who said hey, you’re gonna get your you-know-what handed to you, but it’s eventually going to be ok. Cause I know for sure that’s where so many people get trapped. Like right in your tracks. We somehow were told that if it hurts that it’s not right for us. Well that’s not what I find to be true.

I remember one time being outside in my neighborhood playing with my friends. All three of us were having a great time. Well it was snack time or something like that & so I went in to follow my friends to the one little girls house. She turned and said oh, no you can’t come in my parents won’t let you. I didn’t understand why at first, I was only 8 years old. This happened to me a handful of times up to age 13.  My mom taught me to like all races and that we were all the same , yet here I was a child to try to process this. To make it even more confusing, the black kids in my school would make fun of me cause I talked different or looked different. Like I wasn’t “black” enough. That’s where it started but it didn’t end there. I still to this day get accused with “sounding” white or liking things that are from different cultures. It’s stupid. I wish it wasn’t a thing, but it is! So who do I belong to?  I felt displaced, so I just said to hell with all of you, I’m human first. Like it’s something I deal with on a weekly basis, so I have gotten really secure about being different. I never felt the need to change one way or the other. I’m just me. That’s what I rock out with.

I lost almost everyone that was close to me in a year because I pursued my career. Like literally day one of my new path, my friend who I thought of like a sister completely turned on me. To top it off, found out that my other friend and her had been spewing malicious lies behind my back for months. I felt betrayed, sick to my stomach. Here I was venturing out on my own, at a time when I needed emotional support & I was getting the rug pulled right from under me. It was nasty, it was brutal. Like getting stabbed in the back and the chest at the same time. I hadn’t felt that alone in a very long time. That feeling lasted a year. There was no repair of the friendships. From that I learned that when people see you do things that they won’t do, they get mad. Notice how I said won’t. It’s not that they can’t, they just won’t make the sacrifices you are making to get yourself further. Unsuccessful people will pull you right back in to that little comfortable nook where you all used to hangout. Well there’s no growth in comfortable places. Growth happens in uncomfortable situations. Successful people know this. They will see you struggle and then encourage you or help you find the tools to move forward.

Sometimes it just feels like everything is wrong. I’m on social media everyday, much like most of you. I look happy, I have to be happy in my business. How?? When my family is in distress? I just have this overwhelming belief that this is going to pass. My hard times will make me stronger. My discomfort will be a reminder to me of what I suffered through to get to the other side.

How did I come to this conclusion? Ok. I asked myself how can I live a new life, a more abundant lifestyle with the same skills & in the same situation. The fact is I couldn’t! I had to- I am shedding all the past trials, thought processes, behaviors & habits that may have served me well up until this point. I’m opening a new chapter. I’m developing new ideas almost everyday, I’m seeking new teachers with new information. I ask everyday for guidance, like what’s next.

Now you don’t have to hurt, you can stay where you are. That’s just something you will have to live with. I just can’t do it. I just want more. So yes, I’m willing to be fierce, brave and still be kind & grateful for everything, through everything, if that means I can live a happy full life.

No one tells you up front that it sucks , that it hurts like hell and btw everyone is going to think you are crazy, but it’s true. Just keep going past all that. Be the crazy one for a while, leaders are often a little radical in their thinking anyway. One day your dream will be your reality and no one can take that feeling from you.

 

 

 

Manipulation

What does it mean to me? Malleable , pliable, bending to another persons direction, giving up your personal free will to do the will of another. Manipulation has a negative, dirty feel. Why ? If you are allowing that person or system take over then you’re choosing to let it happen, right? Well that would be true, but the backbone of manipulation is that it’s from a tactical stance. That person knows you . Knows how you think, where you came from & essentially how you feel. The manipulator uses your  emotions against you. Often times they will blatantly deny even realizing your “soft spot”. Clever. The Manipulator does not always come in wolf’s clothing.

My father used to say fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Who hides behind the mask? A friend, a child, a business partner, a romantic partner, like literally anyone. At this point of someone being that close  I have armed the manipulator with everything essential to my being. They could totally break me down. Ok maybe you did win over in that situation. That’s ok. Lesson learned in the failure. A huge lesson. Save MORE of that sweet spot of yourself FOR YOURSELF. I may share a lot of things, but even I have a rule. Never share everything with one person. Especially when dating, leave some of your history out. Do not arm the person with the exact tools to take you out. There has to be a place inside that’s just for you to be.

Thank you for reading. How did this article make you feel?

Is there a sticker on my forehead?

The idea that attract what you put out seems  like a reasonable statement. So if I am a nice, loving person why isn’t this principle working for me?

Being nice is a superb quality. In fact the world could use more nice people. Unfortunately being nice also makes you a target. While I sent out vibes of love and compassion, I never once expected to get anything in return. I never asked for anything…and that’s exactly what I got – nothing. I was a magnet for narcissistic, ego fueled vibe sucking vampires.

Often in my relationships I found myself with controlling partners. Me being so nice, would change to fit their lifestyle to make it “easier”.  After all, I was the one who could adapt to any situation and get along with anyone. I literally rearranged everything in my life around my partner. I did this repeatedly. Stupid. What I was actually doing was handing them over my power. I was saying , here take control of what I do, when I do it, how I look, what I can say… because I don’t know what to do. So in essence, yes I put that vibe out and attracted a person to come in and takeover my life. I just handed the keys right over.

Some things I just had to learn the hard way. I had to bury that FOMO somewhere deep. Like, what if we break up & he ends up with someone else living happily ever after. Ok, yeah he will end up with someone else, true. But, the happily ever after bit, ummm not so much. He’s still the same creep. I had to tell myself let him creep on someone else, not you. I also had to realize that the only person I could control was myself and I wasn’t responsible for my partners feelings. I could not stop them from saying things to start a fight but I could change how I reacted to it. This took a lot of practice & it’s something I’m still working on. The good old guilt trip, wow I fell for this one a million times. I call this emotional blackmail. Emotional blackmail is just another tactic that a person uses to control you. Don’t fall for it. Equally so, I had to stop looking for my partner to make me feel whole. Taking ownership of my actions & my feelings was a big step in becoming clear about what I wanted.

If you find yourself in a state of confusion, not knowing what you want, not having firm boundaries, not being completely happy & whole then you are not going to attract a healthy partner who loves  fully. I was confused so I attracted confused men.  So yes. It was really me. I get it now.

 

What’s this

Your very first relationship, do you remember how it felt? Every nuance seemed to startle your insides. The very tipping point between fear and bliss. Take a breath, hold it in, hold it, hold it..ahhh right there.

That relationship I’m speaking of is the one you have with yourself. Yes. Perhaps one of the most overlooked, neglected and underrated relationship out there. I’m on a boundless journey to find happiness through defining my relationship with myself.  So stick around. I’m going to do what I do best -over analyze my life to find meaning.